I’ve sorta been toying with the idea of writing again. I feel like I have something to say. Until, apparently, I start writing and then it kinda sputters out.
I’m not giving up. I’ll temper my expectations.
My littlest is sick this week. His usual sickie m.o. is that he’s “eh, but okay” during the day and then fevers at night and feels super crappy. This time is no different. It makes taking him to the doctor tricky.
I decided some new intentions recently. Less phone/doomscrolling. More meditating. More connection and intention. Less distraction and disconnecting. I have a list of things that are 10s for me. Divine callings. Things that will get me closer to me. Writing might be one of them? I don’t know yet.
My voice is one of them. I’m simply not sure yet what form my voice is supposed to take. For now I’ll trust the process and trust myself to listen to the universe so I know my next moves.
Recently I was listening to a thing, and vulnerabilities were mentioned and how shining light on vulnerabilities and being the courageous one to initiate transparency makes a huge difference. I’m often good at being vulnerable with safe people or even strangers. I can share all sorts of things that people often wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing.
But even still there’s some sort of disconnect for me. I can share countless intimate details and it’s not on my radar to be secretive about it. But…..there are things I wouldn’t share. Or maybe don’t even share with myself.
I can share the ins and outs of a thing. From a technical or pragmatic point of view. I can talk about what it looks like to be in the middle of a binge eating episode. I can play-by-play it. I can talk about the fear of getting caught or the shame cycle that keeps me stuck to it.
What is harder–and what, in the past, has been lost on me–is that I couldn’t speak to the feelings on it. I rarely felt my feelings at all about it. I went from fine and not bingeing to not fine and full-on bingeing with no notice and no wherewithal. Everytime it was always like something was happening to me and I was just…..receiving it.
And so maybe that’s what I want to talk about sometime. The slowing down of it all. The dawning awareness. That fuzzy moment between clarity of sanity and realization of insanity.
For now, sleep.