Monthly Archives: October 2019

Thinking of ways to get back home.

Fuck. My eating disorder is fucking loud today. I had started my day excited that it felt like a new start of healthiness and healing. I made Brussels sprouts even! Oh, but did my body (mind?) have other plans! This … Continue reading

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Just hold on.

I’m having a moment where I’m trying to remember all our lasts. In case you don’t come back. In case the devastation of that undoes me so irrevocably that I can’t recall a single thing about today. Or yesterday. I … Continue reading

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Spinning in your head.

The voices in my head could shut the fuck up now. This is the least relaxing walk ever. ~~~~~~~ Eta It was my intention to turn the day around. Just because Chris was on the phone and the girl was … Continue reading

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Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin.

My daughter has taken to saying thank you to me recently. Try as I might to show gratitude for all things–to be the light in all the places–she has yet to emulate the skill at home. In fact, oftentimes I … Continue reading

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The sun broke free of the clouds.

A letter to my husband: He once told you that I feel trapped. And I feel like it’s the biggest disservice he ever did us. There was never ever going to be me convincing you otherwise because his word was … Continue reading

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Some kind of light at the end.

I’m not going to eat tonight. I’m so tired from making decisions I shouldn’t have been making. I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m so exhausted I didn’t realize I was already crying. I don’t think I’ll ever be able … Continue reading

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What it all comes down to.

Wednesday I was going to write about my son’s birthday. And how when you turn 12, you request to light your own candles. (And that at 15, you request to light said candles for your brother, and your mom giggles … Continue reading

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Defending his light.

I woke up. And he’s still not here.

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Anything but empty.

Not much is harder than watching someone you love have the hardest week of their life. He is hurting so much. The medication was tearing him apart while he was on it, but now that he’s stopped taking it, it’s … Continue reading

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We laughed into the sky.

I have this quiet philosophy. I believe that there are infinite parallel lives where a moment branched and a whole other life is played out differently elsewhere. I don’t much entertain thoughts of most of these paths. Rarely do I … Continue reading

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