There is a chill today. And an itch. And a restlessness.
Welcome to the hard days of fall.
I do love fall–but the sunshine days. The cloudy, dreary days are heavier than I’m prepared for.
I saw Brian yesterday.
That sits heavy with me too. I wish I had stopped him. I wish I had said his name or hi or…something. Instead, everything in me said not to. The dichotomy of both is tearing me apart.
Chris said, since I had wondered about him just a week ago, that maybe it was the universe letting me know he is okay. And that I wasn’t meant to talk to him or engage with him. Just see that he looked like he was doing good.
I want that to be enough.
But honestly, it’s just not.
The thing that hurts is that there’s just not room for him in my life. There’s not a place. And…it’s so frustrating! Because I *want* people. But even at my best and at his best, there’s no place for him. There can’t be a place for him.
And that makes me incredibly sad.