Addictions are so…smarmy.
I mean, sometimes it is so fucking easy. It’s over off the periphery. I’m not thinking about it at all or just barely. I can even note to myself “it hasn’t been hard.”
And then BAM! out of nowhere, it saunters up. All fucking seductive and full of himself. And it says, “I like the way it tastes when you lick the batter off your finger.” And you ignore it. Best you can.
It’s no big deal, right? It’s been five days since your last disordered day. Four full days of being proud about food choices.
It’s so. fucking. easy. to give in when the words “but it just tastes so good” swim around in your head seductively.
And then, without permission, smarmy schmoozy sultry addiction voice says, “This is good. Stay with me.”
So many deep breaths.
This hurts to write about. Because today it was immediate to recognize and I responded without hesitation. And I know I should be proud of that. And still, it’s hard.
I refuse to live in fear, but that means I have to do something else with all the feelings I have about that voice lying in wait around the corner.
Writing helps. Talking about it helps. Owning the win helps.
So….here goes.
Today that voice in my head that keeps me disordered told me to keep eating.
And I said, “no thanks” and walked away.
I’m really proud of myself. I did goodness.