Feel the light.

I finished with physical therapy and as I walked outside a security guard said, “He’s not blocking you in, is he?” And I said, “yep!”

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The universe gave me a pause button. What a beautiful thing.

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Out of the corner of my eye.

“Ma, I no eat. It wet.”

me: It’s just hot dog juice.

*15 minutes later*

me: You gonna eat your hot dog?

“I no like hot dog juice.”

. . . . .

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I dried it off and now he’s eating it.

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Burst like white light.

It’s my birthday. And I’m upstairs making pizzas for everyone while my husband is downstairs trying to perfect a song he wrote for me, which is my present, I’m assuming, whenever he is comfortable enough with it to come back upstairs.

And, yes, of course, I’d always prefer the time with him. But I love the notes wafting upstairs. I love how they envelop me even when his arms can’t. I love how I can feel his love even when his fingers are playing his guitar instead of me. I love that he is trying to perfect something that is already perfect as is. That’s what his love looks like. And I’m certain I’ll love the gift he’s giving me, but that alone is gift enough.

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Snug and safe from harm.

Today was a day.

My ferret had seizures all morning and screamed this scream. It hurts too much to think about. After calling many vets, I finally got him in somewhere. I texted R and she was good to not come. I called S’s school and he came out to say goodbye. L fell asleep on the way there, which was good because the 15 minute cat nap was just the thing to make him L again, after a crazy morning.

Spike’s seizures never stopped. Even after they gave anti seizure meds. She found a thumb size mass in his abdomen. He was in so much pain. He was in the lifespan range. And the only kind option left was to put him down so he wouldn’t be in pain anymore.

And I did this all with a 3 year old.

I cried. Obviously. And he made his concerned face, which, to the untrained eye is a glare, but is just him processing.

After they sedated Spike and left the room (by the way, the nurse and doctor were the kindest, nicest people I have even encountered), I asked L how he was. He said, “I a little sad” and I told him it was just right to be a little sad and he said “do you want to be sad together?” and I said if we have to be sad, together is the best way to do it.

You were very loved, Spike. I’ll look out for your sister. Rest easy.

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A chance that they will see.

Yesterday got scary for a little bit healthwise and I wanted to write. Time did not allow. Once the scary wore off a bit, regular life ensued and I still didn’t write. Then I had planned to today, but I decluttered for hours instead.

Now it is late and I’m falling asleep, but I just want to say, before I disappear for the night, I love being alive. I love living. I love all the easy and all the hard and all the beautiful and all the sad and scary and dark. I love the light.

I love holes in socks and stomp stomp stomp. I love cuddles and hugs and resting my head on any of my family. I love all the song lyrics and movie quotes. I love the goodness.

I love being alive. And for a moment yesterday,  I had to experience the “what if this is it?” moment. And it sucked. I love this life a lot. I’m not ready for it to end.

Maybe one day I will have some peace with that. For now, I bathe in gratitude that I am still here.

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I would ride alongside.

This about sums it up.

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Faster than I can.

I’m so count-y this morning. I just want it to be time to eat.

I’m certain it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with my head. But I don’t want to put in the work. This exact moment I’m tired of putting in the work.

I just needed to say that somewhere.

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Hands of a clock.

If you were to ask Chris how our week has gone as a couple, he would say that we feel a million miles away.

If you were to ask me, I’d say that he had some challenging days this week that kept him from me, and that I had a few hours one evening that kept me from him, navigating those days that kept him from me.

Last night, while we were running late and the cat was in the garage, making it inaccessible (the garage, not the cat…tho she wasn’t accessible either…), and I needed to get L’s carseat installed in the car and everything was all snowy and icy and slippery, and we were in a rush to get Chris to his meeting and get the boys to science night at the school, there was this incredible pause. He just came over and he put his hand on my face and the world stopped. And we kissed and nothing else existed in that moment. And no one would have ever been able to say he and I were a million miles from one another.

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Fireworks and hurricanes.

Yesterday someone in one of my decluttering groups posted asking if anyone wanted to have an accountability partner for today for decluttering the kitchen. I said I wasn’t kitchen’ing, but would totally love that for another area.

I hadn’t decided where yet, I just knew I wanted some tangible momentum. I love all the mindset growth, and getting the previously hard “to do” things done, but I’ve been focusing on maintenance decluttering, so new progress has been lacking.

Today I decided to do some behind the scenes decluttering. These two drawers end up collecting all the things. I don’t want spaces like that.

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I committed to accountability, so off I went. Three grueling hours later I was finally finished.

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I threw some stuff away and put other things in a bag for donations. A lot of stuff is just going into a box to work on later–the paper clutter and the memory things.

I didn’t have the mental energy to go through it efficiently. Some days I’m just not going to be able to purge the way I want to. I have to remember progress over perfection.

Honestly, by the time I finished today I was too exhausted and drained of energy to enjoy the progress. I’ll get there.

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Silent but sure.

Despite being very cold, I changed out of my pj pants and put on boxers instead before getting into bed tonight. I learned last week when my pj pants were in the wash that my bottommost blanket is especially warmer when it’s directly against my skin.

I’m sure there’s a metaphor here somewhere. A life lesson perhaps?

It’s better outside your comfort zone? Changing it up can be good for you? Getting too comfortable can lead to missing out on better comfort? You gotta risk a little cold in order to find the warmth?

No idea.

It’s in there somewhere.

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