Close your eyes and think of me.

Posted on January 16, 2020 by tec

Yesterday I suddenly became so freaking excited about all the things I’ve got going on–the growth mindset and decluttering (which is starting to feel really tangible again) and my very own website that I’m diligently working to launch. And fast as that realization hit, it was pulled from me.

I have no one to share it with.

That’s not entirely true. And it’s not my intention to discredit the people I have in my life, whom I love dearly, if I need something. But it’s not the same as having someone (or multiple someones) to be giddy with. It’s not the same as having someone who has known you for five years or fifteen. And despite my want for trying, I have no idea how to make up the difference.

Yesterday I navigated by leaning into the sadness and loneliness. I cried. I reached out to a new friend, someone who feels like she could be my people. I read al-anon passages. I watched Allie videos where she preached that I was worth clothes that make me feel good and uncluttered spaces and peace.

Slowly I walked through the grief.

And it sucked, while also feeling like progress. It was both. And I take comfort in the fact that it could be both and not just the suck. Still, tho. That suck is pretty sucky.

I find myself wondering often why my friends aren’t my friends anymore. Was it me? Was it them? Were we just not compatible for the long haul? I understand maybe they were just for a season, but…I miss them. I miss the me I was sometimes able to be with them. And I don’t know why they left. I wish I knew. It feels like maybe I’d better know how to keep friends if I knew why they left me. And yes, it does feel like the people I have in mind all personally chose to leave. To slowly sever the connection. It feels like if I could understand it, I could move on.

Reaching out to find out the why doesn’t feel like a good path tho, so I will continue to move along.

The notable progress about yesterday, apart from the through-not-around, was that food-as-comfort never crossed my mind. Food wasn’t on my radar at all. Pretty cool.

Today I am meeting two new friends for lunch. See what I can do about this loneliness business.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sentiments, like shadows, grow.

Posted on January 13, 2020 by tec

I have a compulsion this morning to weigh myself. I know it’s just that–a compulsion.

I know the rational. It doesn’t negate the irrational.

Logically I know that, whatever the number on the scale, it isn’t indicative of my health or my progress or even really my weight. Logically.

I considered scratching the itch. I considered getting out the scale and just seeing and then I’d know and I could go about my day and I wouldn’t entertain it again.

But that’s not how compulsion works.  Because I weighed myself over the weekend. And that doesn’t matter at all to the voice in my head. In fact, it gives the voice fodder. You lost .6 pounds. The number went down! Let’s see if it went down more. I hope it didn’t go up. Do you think it went up? We should check. Maybe it went down to the next whole number. Let’s look.

I can hear these thoughts and not listen to them. I can choose that. It’s not easy. But it’s possible.

This morning, like every morning before I get out of bed, I felt my stomach. I noticed the thinner skin and the flatter mounds. I noticed how my ribs protrude a little more. I noticed how my pelvis juts beneath the skin and the area below my belly button each day feels a bit flatter and a bit more hollow. And I thanked my body for being strong and supporting me. For keeping me alive and safe. And I told it that I’m learning how to care for it properly and kindly and I hope it can see my progress. I thanked my body for showing me progress.

I do this every morning.

This morning that routine precipitated a desire to weigh myself. To see if the number validated the bones and muscles and curves of my body. Today that routine opened a door to allow the compulsive voice in. That’s okay. It doesn’t make it a bad plan. Honoring my body is a good thing. Navigating unexpected moments is good too. My constructive routine may have played a part in opening the door, but it presented me an opportunity, and I am able to choose to gently close the door with little to no damage.

I have a compulsion, but in this moment it doesn’t have me. So I’m not weighing myself. I’m not enabling the compulsion. I’ve put in years of work for this. To stay the course for this moment. To see all the things and let all the things just be. One foot in front of the other.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m bare-boned and crazy for you.

Posted on January 12, 2020 by tec

Here it is Sunday night. Almost time for sleep. Truth be told, I should have gone to sleep an hour ago. I just want to take some time to reflect on my weekend first.

I don’t know that I had a picture Friday night of what I wanted for my weekend. And maybe that’s better. Expectations tend to sabotage future moments.

Friday night I ended up going to sleep and Chris and I hadn’t watched any episodes of Heroes. I know he had kinda passed out at one point and was pretty bummed about being human and tired and needing sleep. As I was getting ready for sleep, I came to find a very old blog I had written at for many years. Life is weird. It provided a momentary distraction and now I’m kinda over it. (It’s a good “over it” tho. The kind where there is nothing from the past holding onto me today.)

Saturday morning was sheets of ice for roads, and my alanon meeting, and later long connecty conversations with Chris and a snowstorm that didn’t storm as much as predicted. It was me buying a domain name for this here blog and allowing it to have an official home that I can call my own. It was lit candles and opening the year 4 anniversary tobacco blend. It was Chris marking me as his and kisses and entanglements and too cold kitchen and perfect warm bedrooms. It was spooning and contented slumbers. It was multiple Heroes episodes and bliss.

Today, yesterday’s sparse-ish snow afforded us a shopping trip and a restock of healthier food to make way for healthier plans. It was moments of overstimulation (on my part) that provided opportunity to share my voice and my thoughts and my ruffled feathers. And it gave Chris the opportunity to show me how “defensive” isn’t his go to anymore and how we can have reasonable conversations and I learned that I was able to perceive his reactions accurately.

I know we’re always practicing our individual, personal growth as well as growth in our relationship. It was really cool today tho to see so clearly how it has evolved. So many aspects of ourselves are the same as (almost) seven years ago, and soooooo many are different. We are better people. And really, that’s just always what I want for myself. I want to try and fuck up and try again and practice and mess up and, at the end of the day, no matter the little moments, I want my big picture to reveal that I was always growing into better. And that we were always striving for that together.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dancing in the rumbling dark.

Posted on January 11, 2020 by tec

No more distractions. Today I commit pen to paper (what I wouldn’t give for this to be handwritten and typed out) to talk about my weekly goals.

Week 3 (Nov 25): Mindful posture.

I had started listening to Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. It resounded so logically in my brain that I was immediately immersed in it. It really felt like it made all the world make sense. It made human beings make sense.

I only listened to the first few rules before the audiobook returned itself to the library app I was using, but so much has stayed with me. The most significant being posture. What physiological messages posture sends to our brain and our cells. What cultural messages our posture sends out to others. What psychological messages get sent to our mind. So fascinating!

And once I learned the biological anthropology of it all, I kinda just look at humans differently now. Myself especially. I want my body language to exude confidence even if my mind hasn’t caught up yet. So…mindful posture.

It used to be that I would sit and do something and I’d be all hunched over and my spine would be a giant C and I’d think, “Eh, whatever. It’s more comfortable than training my muscles to hold my body up properly.” Which is a terrible thing to think and yet, honestly, I did. Often. But that has all changed and now when I notice, I challenge my lazy thoughts and honor my body. Turns out my body really appreciates the improved blood flow and circulation and increased muscle strength and it pays off in dividends. Who knew? (Okay. Fine. Loooooots of people knew. But now I do too.)

Week 4 (Dec 2): Daily PT exercises.

I roll my eyes here a little. It seems so obviously that I’d already just do these because I’m in physical therapy and I want to feel better. But, being the stubborn human I can sometimes be, I really fight this part.

I want to have full range of motion. Of course. And also, goddamnit, I want to just have full range of motion without having to constantly work at it.

Told you there is an eyeroll.

So I fight it. But I put this goal in place to minimize the damage of my stubbornness.

I do not accomplish this goal daily. Full transparency. At the start it was often. In the middle there was possibly an entire week I didn’t do it at all. The past two weeks, I’ve been about…80%? I’ll freaking take 80% here, kids. Practice over perfection.

I’ve been paying a lot of attention recently to how my brain filters and decides things. I’ve come to see that for constructive success, I need to do the thing the moment I think of it. If my stretches cross my mind and I think, “I’ll do those later” or “I’ll do that in a bit,” it’s a no go. I won’t do it. I’ll forget. I’ll get distracted. So, just like I keep harping on my 12 year old, “Listen the first time,” turns out I should too.

So I have been and it’s made the difference. And it’s an interesting thing the brain does when you are often doing action at the onset of the thought. There is less inaction and less reaction. The procrastination and perfectionism and fears really just have nowhere to go if you are getting the things finished before all the things finish you.

Gonna go do these stretches now. More on the weekly goals later.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To none but me.

Posted on January 11, 2020 by tec

I just found this thing I had written seven years ago today (well… yesterday) on a blog I forgot existed.

Fascinating.

Screenshot_20200111-003733_Chrome So fascinating.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

As the weeks trickle into days.

Posted on January 9, 2020 by tec

I am happy today.

And peaceful and calm and contented.

Without much effort.

And I’m spending no effort fighting it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

I would not want you any other way.

Posted on January 7, 2020 by tec

The psyche fascinates me so. A friend said the other day that her boss expected so much from her, so much so that she feels like he’s setting her up to fail. And then she took a step back and said, “why would someone want me to fall?” and came to see that she just kinda has the mindset. She is always subconsciously thinking people are out to get her.

I do this too. I think people are out to get me or out to sabotage me. I think people will be disappointed in me–strangers and loved ones alike–or won’t like me. It’s not conscious and it’s no longer commonplace, but it happens. I have worked very hard to navigate away from that habit. It’s interesting how it creeps back in when I don’t expect it.

I’m doing my declutter challenge and Allie was offering a hundred dollars off her huge decluttering course for the people doing the challenge. I wouldn’t spend $300 on the course, nor would I spend the reduced $200 price. I’m certain the course is worth the money. I’m certain it’s a sound investment. It’s not Allie; it’s me. It literally hurts me to think about spending that money on the course when I make do just fine with the free challenges and webinars.

But someone made a mistake and a fb ad went out for a special promotion price of $99. People were all up in arms that some had to pay $200 and some just $100. Blah blah blah the drama. I went to sleep.

This morning Allie addressed it in what seemed to be sincerely genuine horror that people would think she was being shady. I believe it to be true that it was just a mistake.

I also believe that when I realized I could have the whole course and for only $100, my first thought was “this is exactly what she wanted!”

Because above all the “people are out to get me” or to see me fail or fall or to be disappointed thoughts….the one thing I expect people are actively doing is trying to manipulate me.

“What will Jill fall for next?”

And that’s so interesting, isn’t it? Even more than doing me harm, I imagine people are just seeing how I work and what they can get me to do.

It certainly speaks some volumes about my childhood and my past relationships and my first marriage. Here is a moment where some random woman was probably having a super terrible day because she’s human and made a mistake and put the wrong promotion up….and here I am going, “this was all a ploy! She’s going to make even more money from quantity of sales than she would have from a regular sale price! And I fricking fell for it!”

I had to talk myself off the ledge. I’ve done this many times. I just re-have the conversation that my therapist (who I haven’t seen in a good few years) and I had seven years ago.

Me: He said he’d changed and I trusted him. I fell for it and he didn’t really change and I was duped!

Warrior goddess: This says something about him, not you. This says ‘he did this again’, not ‘I fell for it.'”

Me: *stomp stomp stomp*

Warrior goddess: Don’t lose your sense of trust in others. It closes you off from having experiences. Trust yourself. You are trustworthy. The important part is not “I got duped again.” The important part is “I got up again.

So. I don’t really think Allie manipulated anyone intentionally. Although, also, it’s a truly genius marketing strategy. But still. I got the course for $99 and it’s a smart and brave investment and I’m proud of me. And I’m trying to not consider that while I got a course…..I am out a hundred bucks, while she is just raaaaaaaaaaaking in the dough.

…..

*laughs out loud*

I just can’t keep myself from having the thoughts. Ha. But I can redirect them. I can listen to them and then let them be. The mind is fun. Sorta.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Approach. Appear.

Posted on January 6, 2020 by tec

I didn’t know what the rest of my day would look like earlier when I wrote. I felt on top of everything, but in that way where you are until you suddenly aren’t.

I finished my paper clutter pile from yesterday and tried to occupy L because Chris has the flu, as well as detox from another round of medicine that didn’t get here in time. I know he feels like shit physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I take great comfort in the fact that I am not the woman who contributes to that. That I don’t try to find (false) validation in making him feel worse. That I don’t have the means to feel better at someone else’s expense. Especially someone I love so much.

So I spent my day focused on me and my growth and my worth and betterment and evolution. And I was feeling so connected to me that I found connection with R and S and L too.

I taught S about time management. I empowered him with management of his own time, while giving him confines and boundaries to work within. I told him I was like the boss. “You gotta get this, this, and this accomplished by x time, but you manage the rest. You run your own show.” And he practiced in kind. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow. But it was his and I let him own it and he took pride in it.

I taught the same to R. “Do what you want with your last day of winter break, but any food trash needs to be cleaned by 5.” She argued she might not get it done by then and I countered reasonably and objectively, “You’ve got four and a half hours to do this one thing. Choose how you want to do it. You can wait til 4:55 and then haul ass picking up trash. Or you can do it all right now. Or you can do some now and some later. It’s your show. But ya got til 5, and if at 5 it’s not finished, your phone goes on the island until it is.”

No shame. No guilt. No tough love. No bringing up past anything. Just right here right now, reasonable objectivity. Might as well have told her the sun was gonna set by 5pm. Just a fact.

And she responded with the same respectful objectivity and it was barely even reluctant when she said, “okay”.

And L and I worked on puzzles together today. And I let it be his show and we made a game of it, but I never rushed him or did it for him. I let him lead.

I gave them the opportunity and then I stepped aside and let each of them shine today.

What a blessing and a joy to take me and my feelings and my thoughts out of the equation and just talk to them.

I was afraid I’d break today. I was hoping I’d be able to withstand the bend. Turns out I stood tall all day.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trying to fight when you feel like flying.

Posted on January 5, 2020 by tec

The question is…

How do you proceed when you know so much about growth mindset, and the situation just sucks, and you want to reach out to someone, but don’t want advice and just want the comfort of someone’s knowing presence?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Breathe me back to life.

Posted on January 3, 2020 by tec

Today, day three, was the start of four days of kitchen.

I overachieved.

I was just going to do the dishes and cups, but each cabinet called to me and soon I had done an hour and a half of purging.

It felt soooooo good.

Allie said (quoting Nate Berkus),”be a ruthless editor” of your home. And so I took down the plates we never use and the extra glass bowls Chris hasn’t used and the extra cups, and said nope to all of it.

20200103_104706

And then I moved onto the island cabinets and the pots and pans cabinet (’cause that one’s pretty easy) and then the side cabinet by the fridge said, “ooh, pick me! pick me!” and so I did. I also transferred Hazel’s dry food to an old cereal container and now it looks nice and put together.

20200103_104135

The before pic I took of the pots and pans disappeared, so there’s only an after. But it features a photobombing Hazel, and she always makes for goodness. (Except she peed in my pantry today. So blargh a bit to that. But now I have a deep cleaned pantry, so a little less blarghidy.)

20200103_103557

20200103_104756

Isn’t the dry food container a nice touch?!

The island homed all the “excess” for a couple hours while I had lunch with a new friend. (Dude. I had lunch with a friend. I have a friend. You know… potentially.)

20200103_105145

After I got home and made lunch (okay, so I met a friend for lunch, but we went to Subway and I don’t eaten gluten or dairy, so I went for the company, while she went for the company and the work lunch break) (which, while I’m derailing here, I want to add that I didn’t eat til after 3pm today and wasn’t hungry any of that time and drank more water today and generally just felt more connected to me instead of dependent on a connection with food. So that was really pretty cool. And…calming.) (This is also where I remember that my day started at 5:30 this morning and that is damn impressive now that I’ve remembered and stopped to think about it.)

Where was I? So many parentheses.

I got home and made lunch and then I picked up two weeks’ worth of recycling from the garage floor, so I could access the cabinets for all the kitchen excess. I moved all the island clutter to its new home through winter and now I have an amazing, chaos-less (for the most part) kitchen.

I have no idea what Allie will say to go through tomorrow. I’ll follow that if it pertains, and if it doesn’t, I’m going to organize and purge the other two upper cabinets and the third island cabinet that has somehow become the backup pantry. The overflowing open pantry drives me bonkers, but so does running out of noodles. So now I have bulk elsewhere. Always pick the lesser of the evils.

Okay, sleep for me now, after some much needed husband time.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment