I’m all out of mental…everything.
Like, I’m so out of mental everything that it hurts too much to muster the energy to mumble “do something cool”.
I feel like I could break down and sob. But nothing comes. I’m just stuck in this…vibration. Almost headache. Almost nausea. Almost almost. But not actually anywhere. Echoes of feedback bouncing off the walls. No relief in sight.
I need to close my eyes.
Against all odds, today was just…remarkable. It was breaths of fresh air. I haven’t felt this healthy and unafflicted in a very long time.
Ask and you shall receive sometimes.
Gratitude abounds.
Beth often says, “faith is not belief without proof; it’s trust without reservation.”
I trusted so fucking hard today.
I want to make healthy choices for myself as often as possible.
I want “as often as possible” to be more often than not.
I have so much gratitude already for every moment that is easier than hard. And I welcome, as time passes, that my definitions and barometers of “easy” and “hard” will move and evolve.
I believe in all the goodness of the universe. I could use a string of moments that don’t feel so grueling.
I’m on my knees here. Please do something cool.
Oh it feels like coming home.
I hadn’t posted in so long. And then my phone died and I’ve been borrowing a phone and none of my stuff is on it, including easy access to this site. Tonight my fingers willed it tho. Even after none of the passwords I had seemed to work.
But I’m here now and it feels like breathing. I’ve missed writing so much. And at the same time, I’ve been leaning away from it. April and May are just too hard. I didn’t even want to go there. I couldn’t.
So instead I’ve spent the last few weeks walking the tightrope between doing and resting. Repairing and breaking. Moving and pausing.
*a three hour pause ensues where I spend an obscene amount of time reading a very old conversation*
You ever have one of those once in a lifetime conversations that lasts for a couple weeks? And you know at the time it’s something special? And five years later it’s still special. And ten.
It’s one of those.
And I didn’t seek it out tonight. I just came across it. And then it had me. And I’m okay with that.
It was good to be had.
Sleep now. More words tomorrow.
The littlest wanted muffins. What kind, you may ask?
Spinach and chocolate chip.
I gotta hand it to the kid. They’re really good. I love that he balances healthy and sweet!
I jacked up my neck on Friday. That night Chris has massaged it, which helped for the duration of the massage, but didn’t have the reversing affect I had hoped for.
All day yesterday I was in an acute amount of pain with barely 10% range of motion and that was after three ibuprofen, Muscle Vitality and cbd oil.
Enter the oldest.
She says, “Mom” in that special, loving, you’re-being-absurd-for-not-remembering-I-exist tone. And then she tells me she’s going to massage my neck because of her superior skills.
And me, being the completely empowering mom that I am, said, “okie” because I believe in her and wouldn’t deny her of trying to work her magic.
And somehow she mustered an obscene amount of voodoo because, sure enough, I had like 75% mobility by the time she was finished.
It was heartwarming, too, because as she massaged my neck she softly mumbled to the knots and kinks and tension, pointing out when she found them. I used to do that when I was younger and gave everyone back massages and healed them with my weird, innate skill.
Today I told her that and she looked at me both dumbfounded and proud, and said, “when are you going to realize I’m your mini-me?”
Every day, babygirl. Every day.
It’s beautiful out today. Perfect spring day.
I mean, I could maybe use ten more degrees. I won’t be the one to complain about that.
Hell, I cleaned up dog poop earlier, and was happy just to feel the grass’s warmth beneath my bare feet, to have a back capable of bending over dozens of times, to have minimal leg pain today. It’s a good day.
As I sit here now, I’m reminded of a few spring’s ago. A conversation in words on my screen. The glare making it hard to see.
The sun warmed my skin that day.
No point in asking for anything more.
My sweet girl got me a present.
I feel so loved.
Today I felt the weight of my eating disorder.
Terrible pun not intended.
It just felt so present today. And I felt so…absent.
Looking back on the day–the last few days–I’m suddenly very aware that my period is due and pms probably plays some role. It’s important to have as much information as possible.
Even before this realization though, today I noted the change in my demeanor. In my thoughts and my behavior. And I left the situation. I turned my back on the opportunity to eat more and I left the house. I drove around. I went to the store. I didn’t allow the disordered behavior to follow me there.
It felt really good. To be present with myself. For myself. I listened to music and self-care’d.
I found my way back.
I didn’t specifically think to invite my higher power along with me. But I hold space for him now. And looking back, I know he was showing up for me, as I showed up for me.
Over the weekend, I let bedtime routine slip some. Morning was the same, although actually he woke up before me today.
Tonight was business as usual and we were lights out by 8:30ish. He was out by 8:59. It was really validating to realize our routine is so solid that we can stray from it a bit and it doesn’t knock anyone on their ass.
Score.
The middlest was at his dad’s for three days and tonight he was in bed, lights out only 15 minutes later than planned.
Score times two.
Tonight I felt so on top of everything. I made dinner and cleaned the kitchen and did laundry and played bingo/memory with the littlest. I hooked the middlest up with an amazing fort to sleep in. (And he was impressed! Which always feels like an impossible feat.) And Chris and I sparked connection and made out in the kitchen.
It all happened with such ease. That’s my favorite part.
A little after 9, I was thinking about warming up a chocolate chip cookie in the toaster oven. I did it this afternoon and it was divine. Then there was a voice checking in with me. “Do you need it?”
Now, this is a trick question. It’s a “keep me safe” question. If the answer is yes, I’m deprived of something non-food and I’m using the food to replace it. It’s an automatic no go. If the answer’s no, then there’s no reason to have it anyway. Another no go.
My brain doesn’t entertain a yes tonight. Resigned, it replies “no……” The answer solidifies the decision and I never have to waver. I win.
Score times three.
