I have the best girl.
Today she was so cuddly. And sweet. And gosh, I just enjoyed the hell out of every second of that. She came up behind me this evening and wrapped herself around my shoulders.
Tonight we said she could stay out an extra hour. She brought Chris home sushi and surprised me with an African violet.
Much later tonight I laid on her bed with her and we watched Grey’s for three hours.
I revel in the goodness. Tonight, despite the late hour, I’m going to sleep entirely contented.
I let the universe take care of me today. I let the people who love me turn my day around.
After I posted earlier, I went outside with the boys, but it wasn’t enough. My body needed to move. My mind needed to turn off. I employed R’s help with L and took off. I wasn’t even intending to run. I just needed to move.
I walked the first half, and then, suddenly, down a hill, barely with permission from my mind, my body started running. Experience tells me it was probably a minute thirty. It felt so good. Then I took off again after a short walk and that was probably 45 seconds. Then came the section I ran last night in two minutes. Today I timed it and it was a minute 45 and I didn’t want to forfeit the fifteen seconds, so I ran more. And then more. And again.
Fucking two thirty! Amazing.
I needed a little extra walking time, so I added another side street, making the walk almost two miles.
I got home and my Chris was there, celebrating right alongside me. Fistbump explosions for days. Beaming with pride.
And then he let me just vent about my feelings. And then we came in and I needed to give a very dirt-covered L a bath. And I wasn’t expecting the company, but the company felt so fucking good and Chris and I just sat in the bathroom and kept talking while L took his bath.
He showed up for me so hard today. It means everything.
I’m momentarily coming to the end of my mental rope with friends not showing up for me. I’m sympathetic to the fact that people are going through things. And also I need some connection and I’m reaching out and they’re not reaching back.
I RAN FOR TWO MINUTES!!!!!!
Holy moly!
I freaking basked in it.
I then made the slight mistake of looking up how long in distance that two minutes was. A bit shy of .2 miles.
I don’t know why suddenly that felt like a blow. Like I was farther from my goal. Like five more of those is undoable or something. But I suppose upon further recalculation and introspection, .2 miles in two minutes would be a mile in 10-12 minutes, if it was consistent. That ain’t bad! I’ll drive the distance tomorrow and see what it actually is. But, in any case. For now, I ran for two minutes!!!
I stayed up all night accidentally and now, suddenly, the sky is light and the birds are chirping away and it’s 4:57. My numbers.
I never got tired. Even now I’m not so tired. What a weird night. And a weird morning.
It feels like it was supposed to happen. This May turned June. This hallowed space and time.
I’ve been hiding for the past month. My vortex May turned into Chris’s vortex May. And I just spun.
I simultaneously floated and dragged my way through the month. Feet never properly touching the ground. I tried. Sometimes. And I succumbed others. Mostly I used those fine-tuned self-preservation skills to compartmentalize the month. Two months. Three.
I was kicking ass and taking names. At the start. And then some weight got heavy and I got tired. And then I chugged along. And then more weight. Until moving was the only thing I had. So I just kept doing that.
Kinetic Jill.
And it wasn’t all self-preservation. Those parts don’t make the mindful parts any less significant or successful. I’ll take it all. It just means a whole bunch of different terrain to navigate.
For now, I’m going to sleep for a few hours. And take the terrain again come (late) morning. It feels light again.
No more hiding. I can’t afford it. It costs too much.
Yesterday was so amazing. And today is hard.
PT this morning was good. Bittersweet. I don’t have any more scheduled appointments with Eliott and I don’t know if I will or not. Gotta see what my doc says about next steps with my arm marbles. But he gave me a bunch more stretches to do and this amazing book of myofascial stretches. I’m so grateful.
And then I had to bring my Mouse to the vet to be put down. That one is hard. His tumor got so big. It was bigger than his head and he hated it and scratched at it and the poor thing. But also he was still so active and I feel terrible that I had to end the active part to be able to end the painful part.
So then when I got home I kinda threw future/ideal me out the window and cut myself a break. And didn’t fuel my body the way I would on other days. These things happen. I ate a few potato chips with homemade frosting and moved on.
In light of yesterday’s awesome, I bit the bullet and did day1 week1 of C25K!!
Holy fuck.
That was amazing and oww and amazing.
I gave myself an extra two minutes of walk time at the halfway point. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to complete the second half without it.
The second half was actually easier than the first, I think. You run 5 of 8 and then suddenly you only have three left and it flies. Craziest thing.
But I did it!!
And I did it in a neighborhood, with people passing and cars passing and a little girl (and her dad) who said hi and asked how I was while I was running and I still answered her back! I let them all be a witness to my greatness instead of feeling like they were all judging me.
Man. I am so fucking proud of myself for this run.
I wanted to get out and run all weekend. But I didn’t. I was kind of afraid.
All last week I walked the neighborhood with S. And I started running being I was brave for S, who was self-conscious to be running outside.
Then it was my turn to be brave alone, and I was like, well, no.
I did use that time to stretch. I stretched all freaking weekend. I did still walk Friday and Saturday. But I didn’t brave the run.
S got back today and I itched for it and made him come with me. I don’t think he loves it. I think, full on, he is humoring me. But that’s okay. I’ll take it.
But so today we walked and at the ten minute mark, I took off running (without S). Up a huge freaking hill. One minute. Check.
We walked some more and came to the huge downhill and we ran it together. One minute. Check.
We walked to the end of that cul de sac and played ball down there for ten minutes. All of which I never stopped jumping or running. Walked back. Ran one minute. Check.
Down another cul de sac and back. This is where S told me he could run down to the corner in a minute. And he fucking booked it. Another minute run. Check.
He took the street in a minute four and was wiped! I told him I aspire to his greatness and that one day we will run it together in less than a minute. Goals!
We walked a short distance more and I told him I was ready to run again. He wasn’t. I told him I’d loop back around. Run one minute. Check.
Almost home now. I feel so freaking good! I want one more run in. He’s dragging. I tell him I’ll loop back around again. One minute run. Check.
Holy moly. I walk it off for a couple more minutes and that was 40 minutes total, including the 10 minute ball playing pause. Six one minute runs. Check.
I’ve never in my life moved my body like this before. I always quietly knew my body was meant for this, but a lifetime of weight (emotional and physical) kept me from it. Life was heavy. Life is lighter now.
