Somewhere in between the beginning and the end.

Posted on April 21, 2020 by tec

I was kind of fooling myself with the optimism when it came to my knees injury.

I knew it the other day when I typed that I was just as committed to my dream. Because I knew that I wasn’t. I knew this had tripped me up.

I don’t know what I could have done differently to feel more committed. I was icing and resting and keeping my leg elevated. On the surface, that all feels very proactive. Digging deeper though, honestly, it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Perhaps that’s a mindset thing I need to look at. The things I was doing felt proactive enough, but somewhere else in my mind, I had already dropped the immediate possibility of training.

That hurts to think about. That no weather or family obstacle could shake me, but I hurt myself and suddenly all was lost.

Today I woke up with no pain and that was amazing. It hasn’t been a pain-free day, but it’s been better enough to give me hope. And to provide the opportunity to recognize old mindset thoughts. Thoughts that I then followed up with sabotaging behaviors.

Tomorrow my Merrells come and wearing them should go a long way in helping me heal. I’ll pay more attention to my triggers so that my response to them doesn’t have to be my same ol’ same ol’. I’m more than that.

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Keep my composure when it’s time.

Posted on April 18, 2020 by tec

I jacked up my knee(s) a bit. I’m thinking it’s patellar tendinitis. Seems the most likely culprit.

The universe was like “hold up, li’l girl” and then instead of stomping about it–because that would have really hurt–I said “okay” and I complied without complaint.

I am no less committed to my dream, though I certainly feel the affects of this injury on my heart.

Yes, it sucks and I’m trying to honor those feelings in myself. I don’t want to dismiss or compartmentalize them. It does suck and I recognize that. But also, I have the tools and support to navigate it.

I will keep chugging along.

From the start I have viewed this time as both training and running. Training wants to be the focus. I’ll ice and rest for now and then I’ll start strength training, increase walking, and focus on endurance in other ways. This isn’t a hard stop. It’s just a speed bump.

I still choose joy. I am still a runner.

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Hold on to the thread.

Posted on April 16, 2020 by tec

I realized last night I take my recent decrease in anxiety entirely for granted.

I read a post about a girl who is filled with anxiety and dread when she has to go to the store. As an anxiety survivor (and sometimes navigator), I remember that feeling, but even with my recent panic attack, that anxiety currently feels far away.

I remember months of paralyzing time passing when I couldn’t make a phone call to a doctor’s office. Or I’d put off going to the store for days. Or I just couldn’t do the laundry. Hell, this blog. I’m great at writing it, but setting the whole thing up and actually launching my site is taking months.

But back to the grocery store and the pandemic. It’s absolutely scary. The thought of being out of commission for so long and feeling like you could quite literally die. Or even the prospect of dying. It is all scary.

The thing is…I just don’t think of those things. That kind of anxiety doesnt trip me up. And I should really stop taking that for granted.

So I want to put out into the universe right now that I am filled with overwhelming gratitude that I can go grocery shopping without anxiety. (But only like every ten days, because, seriously guys, there’s a pandemic out there. Be smart. Stay home.) And still, I am so fucking grateful.

I actually have a quick shopping story. I was stocking up a few days ago. Walking around with my mask and my knitted hat. Pushing my shopping cart with the sleeves of my hoodie. Being safe and spreading joy. Making eye contact and smiling at every person I see.

Some people ignore me and others give an obligatory half smile back. No matter. You do you.

But one guy smiled and winked at me! And it totally fucking made my day. Because in the midst of all this unknown and chaos and upheaval, we shared this nanosecond of normal life.

I hope that in the midst of this pandemic, and the unknown and the anxiety and the isolation, you are gifted moments of human connection that make life feel a little like life again.

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The voice that’s been calling me back home.

Posted on April 15, 2020 by tec

I had a panic attack this afternoon.

I feel compelled to write about it because I learned a lot of things. First, a panic attack is not failure. It is a lesson learned. Second, it’s not weakness. It is an opportunity to see how strong you were for so long until something got too big. Third, for me, it was a chance to see how far I’ve come.

In months and years past, a catalyst would have been icing on a cake that propelled me into yelling and shaming and damaging my relationships with the people I love the most.

Today, because of constant work I’ve poured into self-improvement, I felt all of the overwhelm, but I walked away. Never did I fall into a victim mentality because “no one helps me”. Nor did I walk toward anyone and spew venom. I didn’t do irreparable damage.

First, I asked myself why it hurt so much that it feels like my family isn’t showing up for me. And I listened. The answer was, even tho I’ve been showing up for myself, today I went a little too far showing up for someone else and it was at my expense. I hurt because I was mad at myself for not setting a better boundary.

Next, I asked myself why it hurt so much that I didn’t feel looked after. I listened for an answer. The answer was that, while it would be cool to have my family, or more specifically Chris, just omnisciently show up for me, it’s not reasonable. And just because sometimes I catch the glimmer of a grimace that he’s in pain and should ice his shoulder doesn’t mean he should catch all my cues. Hell, I may not even have clues. (And there are totally times I miss Chris’s clues.) Therefore, the answer to my question is that when I have needs, I need to voice those needs.

Today I had a panic attack and I invited Chris to sit with me. He showed up for me. I did it with him by my side. I didn’t have to feel alone.

Showing up for myself doesn’t just mean I run on run days no matter what. Part of showing up for myself means I tell other people what I need. I utilize my support system and let others help me when I need help.

Of course, it also means I get quiet and ask myself what I need. And then I listen and follow through.

I could view my panic attack today as a failure. Well. No. I can’t even do that. I don’t even have the mindset to view it that way anymore. I’ll say instead that, plain and simple, I had a panic attack today and it was a huge growth development moment for me.

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The ground beneath your feet.

Posted on April 15, 2020 by tec

Ohmygosh, guys, my legs!

I have never run that hard before. I’ve never pushed myself like that before. My thighs burn!! I ran so hard, I thought I might puke! It’s fucking amazing!

Today was 25 minutes of 30/30 with a two minute warmup and what was supposed to be a 3 minute cooldown, but I ran my runs so hard I continued walking after I stopped the clock.

Holy moly I feel amazing!

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I know what I know if you know what I mean.

Posted on April 14, 2020 by tec

Future me shared in confidence today. This eating disorder can appear at any time–nature of the disease. When things are really blah or really awesome. Any time it wants.

Future me stays proactive. So I stay proactive.

Today the boys and I made a cake, along with frosting from scratch. We videochat’d with grandma and grandpa, and then Sue and I laughed so hard we cried when S ate a spoonful of cocoa powder. It was really such an amazing way to spend an hour, especially when we can’thave physical contact.

Afterwards the boys and I each had a piece of cake and Chris stood in abstained solidarity with R because she cut out sugar this month. S asked for another piece, as he is wont to do, and I said no.

Then the cake sat there awhile.

It would have been so freaking easy to eat more and also I would have felt so sick. So I abstained too. It was easy.

This is when future me tapped me on the shoulder and said, “what about tomorrow?”

Me, I replied, “what about what about tomorrow?”

“What about when the appeal is bigger tomorrow? What about if the disease feels bigger tomorrow? What about when it isn’t easy?”

Oh.

Future me is proactive. So I am proactive.

I cut enough for the boys to have a couple small slices over the next few days, and then I wrapped up the rest for the freezer.

This emptied and clean baking dish felt better than anything else I did today.

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Fault lines that cannot sit still.

Posted on April 14, 2020 by tec

The Lightbulb

I’ve heard a lot of great quotes in my lifetime that provide these life changing lightbulb moments for me. I “AHA!” and then…nada.

Lightbulb doesn’t stick.

Such is life sometimes. I’m only human.

I’ve heard quotes before about “future me” and how I can make choices now that future me would make. It sounded awesome! Huge lightbulb. I even wrote “what would future me do?” on the dry erase board. Then nada.

But two weeks ago, when I started the next90 challenge, Rachel Hollis said something. And I sparked. And I’m a freaking forest fire now.

The Match

Rachel explained the thought line so tangibly. She said (paraphrasing some here), “Imagine you have spent the last six months living as the dream version of yourself. The best version of you lives out the next six months. The best version of you shows up every day for yourself. The best version of you shows up every day for your family. You are more intentional and more present. Your gratitude journal is overflowing. You’ve been moving your body every day and drinking water and eating healthy foods. You feel stronger and your body is thriving. You live intentionally for six months.

“What does your life look like then? What does it look like in August? September? October? What does it look like when you’ve been living your dream life for six months?

“Imagine that person now. Be specific. What does that person look like? Dress like? That person–you, at your best–showing up well for you. Showing up well for others.

“Now. What would that person say to the person you are today? What does that person know is true? What does that person need you to do? What does that person want you to do right now?

“Six months from now–the very best version of you–what would they tell you to do in this situation?”

The Spark

And even tho I’ve heard that schtick before, something about her phrasing was palpable. Something hit and stuck. But not only stuck–it feels sewn into me.

Now when faced with a choice–food to binge, dessert to eat, time to spend–I do not think about how present me feels about it; future me fills my thoughts. I am not consumed by a present loss, I am overcome by a future gain. Instead of aspiring to be like Rachel or Dave or Kendra, I am aspiring to be future me. A spark that lights the world on fire.

Two weeks in and I’m still ablaze.

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Who I’m meant to be.

Posted on April 13, 2020 by tec

New goals met!! 30 second run/30 second walk. 20 minutes!! (5 min warm up/cool down)

*times will now include warmup/cooldown…probably…

Running for that long was so challenging! There were so many thoughts bouncing around in my head. My left ankle tendon throbs! Slow breathe in; slow breathe out. Follow through–heel to toe. Am I standing up straight? Do I have good form? Slow dowwwwwnn.

But also it is exhilarating moving my body like that! I can’t wait til jogging builds enough endurance that I can maintain long running strides.

Yesterday I decided I would do either 20 or 25 second runs, but at the last minute today I decided for 30 with a 15 minute duration. Five minutes into the run I decided I’d do 25 total with the warmup and cooldown. It felt so freaking good.

This week I commit to writing out a two week training plan. Today I downloaded the C25K app, mostly because I didn’t want to have to create my own plan. But their week 1 is run 60 seconds and I’m not there yet. So this week I’ll write out a plan for the next couple weeks and then hopefully I’ll be able to pick up their week 1 on my week 4.

I don’t have a solid timetable or deadline for being ready to do my 5K. Before summer’s end. For now I just want to run and get stronger and go for longer. I can’t convey how gratifying it feels that I already feel progress!

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I’m so much more.

Posted on April 11, 2020 by tec

Training day #….something. #5.

Back to running today. 15 on. 45 off. 30 minutes.

30 FREAKING MINUTES!!!

The weather was fair. No rain today! Dry ground. And my first ever 30 minutes!!

The universe challenged me again today. My neighbors were actually outside this time. My ego said, “Hey. Your neighbors are gonna be out doing yard work while you run. You sure you want them seeing? They could think all sorts of things about you and how you look running…”

And I said, “Yep. I’m good. Let them see. I could inspire them.”

Then with my music turned full blast, I ran my laps in bliss. I breathed hard and knew every breath was sending oxygen to my muscles. And I sweated and knew my body was properly cooling me. I took pride in every voluntary and involuntary thing my body did.

I absolutely love how this is challenging all my mindset work and I keep showing up anyway. Also, the example I am setting for my family–that I can have a dream and go after it–is priceless to me.

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The beating of your heart.

Posted on April 10, 2020 by tec

Training day #4.

I took a running break today. The reasons were threefold, but mostly it came down to time. I mean, yes, totally I should take breaks. But also, I’m one to delay a break. So I used the other reasons as incentive.

I replaced my regular training with quality time with the kids. S and I played soccer (ish) and badminton for 35 minutes. Then R and I walked for 45.

Training is all about the downtime too. I’m trying to remember that.

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