She said, “I dig you, baby, but I got to keep movin’ on.”

Posted on April 10, 2020 by tec

She came. She saw. She conquered.

We volunteered to foster a dog a few days ago. Chris and I adventure roadtrip’d a half hour away to pick up this super sweet stray. Then we detoured to pick up supplies and came home.

Our dog was not fond of the new pup.

<insert super sad panda face>

We navigated and kept the dogs separate. It was a huge pain in the ass, but still totally worth it! She was sweet, but also 50lbs of pure charging muscle. We learned she was just 14 months old and it showed in the adorable way she couldn’t control her running body. I called her a flopsy mopsy cottontail of a dog.

L loved her, but not how fast she would come at him. Nor did he love her kisses. I, on the other hand, loved her excited chin licks.

Yesterday L and I took her to animal services so the vet could do a checkup and check her skin. It was a fun way to get out of the house during a quarantine.

Today Harley enjoyed sleeping “next to” MJ, but we couldn’t quite make it work better than that.

A volunteer picked her up this evening to bring her to a foster to adopt home. I hope it’s her new permanent home and that she feels safe and loved.

As I sit home tonight feeling safe and loved, I am especially grateful for a husband who not only tolerates these random acts of kindness and joy, but fully supports me in all these endeavors as well. And I’m grateful for kids who think it’s mostly sorta pretty all right too.

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No more false starts and no dead end.

Posted on April 9, 2020 by tec

Oh, Thursday, you challenge me so.

As a regular part of my lifestyle, I have an eating window. It’s typically noon to 7pm. I’ve been working out recently and it also is usually some time between 12 and 7.

Intermittent fasting isn’t new to me and I am also familiar with fasted workouts. I just hadn’t done one recently.

Today felt like a great time to do it!

I had started making my breakfast and suddenly I excitedly thought, “run fasted instead!” The sunnyish skies were starting to turn cloudy as well and I didn’t want to have to run in the rain and mud two days in a row.

The previous days were warm tho. Holy freaking hell, it had turned cold.

I’m out there in a tshirt and a jacket that is so thin, it might as well have been lingerie.

I start running.

Yesterday’s 20 minutes was so awesome, I’m certain I’m doing 30 today. At 10, I find myself reevaluating my expectations.

Because it starts freaking snowing.

I shit you not. But I run run run anyway. No way the universe is gonna break me.

I get to the 15 minute mark and I know I can make it to 20. I also know that when I get to 20, I will commit to 25.

At 16 minutes the screen on my phone goes dark and I can’t see to time the 15s/45s laps. Whatever. No biggie. I have a rough gauge. I run a few more laps and as I round the corner, I know I can check to see if maybe my phone is at 5%, which would explain the screen having gone dark.

Yep. My phone is dying. It illuminates long enough to show the 20 minute mark before powering off completely. Taking my music with it.

Mother. fucking. hell.

Now, a less opportunity-seeking woman may have crumbled at this prospect. It might have driven fear into the hearts of others. Some may have cried or called it quits.

I laughed.

Oh, I laughed so hard.

I see you universe. And I raise you. All in.

No music. No stopwatch. Snow falling around me. I ran the fuck out of that run.

At the risk of repeating myself here, I told you already–I’m fighting hard for this one.

Finally, my training wraps up. Exhausted, but proud, I head inside. Then the dogs freak out and it’s another 45 minutes before I can eat. Hilarity ensues as the lightheadedness makes my head swim.

I don’t mind. It added to the story that made up this fine Thursday of mine. May tomorrow be another amazing adventure!

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I see what I can.

Posted on April 8, 2020 by tec

Day #2 of training. The universe is highly amused.

I was apprehensive about training today because I got so tired so quick yesterday. I desperately want running to be awesome and cathartic. I’m not there yet. So far it’s more energy expending.

It’s a process. I embrace the process.

So! Apprehensive. But then we fostered a dog today. A dog, it turns out, Harley doesn’t much like. Trying to introduce them, I wrestled Harley. And the other pup. Then Chris and I walked them. In the rain. Wrestling more. I was pretty well tapped out.

Except I’m training, so tough poopoo. Train anyway.

I turned my music up super loud and ran in the freshly stormed on field, with my freshly drenched Converse and socks. My 15 minute training from yesterday increased to 20.

I thought about doubling it. It was doable. But also I was drenched and so I took the 20 minutes as a win.

It wasn’t as hard or daunting as I feared. And this sweet girl greeted me when I finished. The universe definitely wants to see how important this is to me.

It’s really fucking important.

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I’m done with sleeping.

Posted on April 7, 2020 by tec

I said I want to run a 5K and this weird switch happened in my head. Despite all the things I fear and all my insecurities, I don’t give a shit about any of that right now. I just want to run this 5K.

Hell, I don’t even care about running the 5K. I want to train for a 5K. I want to live this process and embrace it so fully, I feel consumed by it. My intention is for there to be nothing I’ve ever committed to more than this, apart from my family.

Last night I said I want this. It would have been so easy today to waylay it. To wait because I didn’t have the perfect training plan yet. Or the perfect running shoes. Or because R was going to run with me, but had to work on chem instead. All I needed was one tiny excuse to not get my ass out there.

But I’m a runner damnit and I will show up for myself. So I went out to the field wearing jeans and Chucks and I embraced that shit. I ignored the story in my head that the neighbors thought I looked stupid. I told myself instead the story of future Jill. Whose neighbors revere her for kicking ass every. damn. day.

My loose plan was to train for 30 minutes–15 second run/45 second walk. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. I ran around and played ball with S all last week! I could do this easy peasy, right?

Ha. That was unreasonably optimistic… 4 minutes in and I was dying and calling it quits in my head.

I thought about Dave Hollis though. And Rachel. I thought about my privilege and my commitment. Maybe I didn’t train for the 30 minutes I expected to. But I trained for 15. And that 15 is fucking huge! It is everything. It is ten more than my body thought it could give.

*I started the stopwatch late.

And I felt like I was fucking glowing after! I had fought for every second of that run and every cell in my body knew it. It was electric.

I will hold onto this as my first training experience and it will always be the story of how I started running after a lifetime of wishing.

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I’m a sucker for you.

Posted on April 6, 2020 by tec

I’m going to train for a 5k! I just decided.

I’m freaking stoked!!

And terrified. But mostly stoked!

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It may be quite simple.

Posted on March 29, 2020 by tec

What a strange and hard and beautiful weekend.

Friday was a long day after a long week. Saturday was me trying to learn to navigate in the face of all the everything….while also doing a 12 week goal challenge, maintaining my home, decluttering, mom’ing 24/7, attending virtual Al-Anon meetings, showing up for myself, backpedaling and flailing around in my progress, etc etc etc.

Saturday Chris and I successfully and safely walked through a conversation about overwhelm and needing help and support. Neither of us seemed to jump or get defensive and while I was reacting to the overwhelm, he wasn’t reacting to me and that brought us to a really great place.

Saturday I also talked to my sponsor on the phone for the first time. It’s something I wanted, but not something I felt “enough” to initiate. That’s an interesting thing for myself–not feeling my enoughness. I’m also navigating people and old friendships and new ones and common denominators and trying to feel a bit more whole. And I got to talk about that with someone who knows the right things to say back. Someone who is a good active listener and who can role model active listening. I need that. We talked for an hour on Sunday too. I could cry for how fulfilling it is.

Then Saturday night amidst all the pandemic and quarantine, we had a tornado touch down less than an hour from here. Downstairs we went at 10pm.

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Don’t let this happy face fool you. Just moments before, my sweet 75 pound pup had to be carried down the stairs because she was petrified.

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My favoritest girl. (And a trash run that needs to be made. Ha.)

The tornado (and R) helped me to realize that we need a better tornado plan. And I am ready to get back to work on the basement. I don’t know that it will happen soon, but I can at least put all that stuff in the car and make a trash run. Or I can start putting some of it out for trash little by little. But yes. No more basement stagnation, even with a bunch of other things going on. A five minute timer each day.

Overwhelm turned action.

Sunday brought us one last day of Spring Break downtime.

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The boys made a gingerbread cake and, later in the night–when it felt late and like the night should be wrapping up–S asked me to roast Brussels sprouts. I retorted, “help me then.” And he did! And we chopped together and took quality time and listened to Martin Sexton play on facebook and it was goodness and turned a hard weekend into pure beauty.

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Make the world brand new.

Posted on March 26, 2020 by tec

Also!!–I don’t want to leave out this part. I participated in a Jen Pastiloff virtual event. Oh how I’ve wanted to do a retreat with her for years. The hour was life-changing and soul-blossoming and I just can’t say enough remarkable things about her. She is goodness and beauty and fearlessness-ish personified. She creates a world where my tiniest most afraid self feels safe and loved and accepted.

There are more things I will share as I navigate the experience.

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The whole world is moving.

Posted on March 26, 2020 by tec

It’s so funny to me. I write a post like my last one, which, as soon as I honored that feeling, the feeling was gone. But then I don’t post for a few days and suddenly it appears that I memorialized that one fleeting moment for days. It amuses me.

Welcome to Thursday. Spring Break is slowly coming to its end. We are in week three of isolation. Here is a recap because I haven’t talked much about it.

The first week was because of influenza A. I got sick first and then R. We were diagnosed on Friday, when Chris started with similar symptoms. The second week was an e-learning trial run (which had some super high highs and some super low lows), along with Chris getting hit hard by the flu and L being hit by a super high fever and no other symptoms. S managed to stay sickness free the entire two weeks, then went to Joe’s for the weekend. Week three found everyone feeling better, except L had some dehydration and digestive stuff going on, but he seems better ish with fluids and a probiotic. S stayed the week at his dad’s which gave R some much needed S-free time. She also drove every day this week, which helped her feel seen and loved and trusted. Being out of work has been rough on Chris, but he’s actually handling it really well. He’s been doing self-reflection and showing up for himself, which is what I’m always hoping for for him. We also got to spend some good time together this week, going for a walk, watching Heroes a few nights, and cuddling on the couch.

I’ve been showing up for me as well. Taking a pause when I need to and shifting mindset in the face of challenging times. I’ve connected with my podcasts and my army of positive voices. I’ve committed time to my goals, especially getting my site launched, which I am constantly backburner’ing. I feel stable, which really says a lot.

The kids go back to e-learning next week and it’s going to be challenging. S gets sidetracked and R isolates. It will take a lot of mental effort on my part to stay on top of helping them stay on top of their education. One moment at a time.

None of this is easy. But I certainly don’t have to make it harder. I get to choose my mindset. That means everything. I choose goodness. That means even more.

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Faster than my words.

Posted on March 23, 2020 by tec

I want to eat.

I’m not going to.

But I want to.

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Tell me I’m fine.

Posted on March 22, 2020 by tec

This morning is rough.

I’m consciously staying in mindset mode, but it’s challenging.

I woke up so sore today. My arm and shoulder hurt so much. And I knew that constant ache had subsided, but with all the flu going on and all the e-learning and pandemic and self-isolation, it was just nice. And not necessarily a fore-front kind of awareness.

But today I woke up and couldn’t raise my blanket over myself with my left arm again and it all came flooding back to me. I remembered all those months–almost a year of them–of not having the use of my arm. Of being careful and guarded and in constant soreness. Always being reminded my body isn’t where it is supposed to be.

And then after ten months of physical therapy, they finally found a spot that trigger point release worked! And then I got the flu and my whole family got the flu and I couldn’t go to my therapy sessions and didn’t do my stretches. And that was all okay because suddenly I didn’t have the constant ache and I could function!

But I woke up this morning and I couldn’t pull my blanket over me. And I was overwhelmed by all the ways illness slowly steered me from all of my routines. I know I don’t have to stay overwhelmed. I know I can put overwhelm into action and turn the whole thing around.

Knowing it doesn’t make it easy.

I commit to my regular morning routine. I commit to my regular routine life. I’m going to put a podcast on and make sure that my ego-driven doubt and shame get drowned out. It’s not real. I’m going to make coffee and brush teeth and do the dishes. I’m going to take my daily medicines. I’m going to do a pass through of decluttering and disinfecting. I’m going to do my stretches.

Action bores suffocation.

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